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29 March 2009 @ 03:17 pm
i live here now:


it makes more sense.
I’ve had this email open for a couple of hours now, and all I’ve managed to type is “hi”.
Its been almost two weeks since you sent it, and I’ve put off replying because I have no idea how to respond to.
I think I know what I should be saying, what I’m expected to say, what you want me to say maybe, but it’s not what I want to say. What needs to be said. You probably don’t need to hear all that though. I’m sure you’ve heard it all a million times before anyway, just not from me.
That’s what worries me. I’m scared it won’t be what you expected to hear, and it will scare you of. Again.

I just…I have no idea where to start.
I don’t want you to think everything is fine, because its not.
And I don’t want you to think that you can just walk back into my life now, a year after disappearing and I’ll be completely alright with that. Because I’m not. In any way, shape or form. In fact, there are not enough words in the world to begin to sum up how much I am not ok with you leaving. I can’t even begin to comprehend how you were able to just walk away like that.
But it’s not the time to be getting into that now I guess.
I know you want me to say how much I miss you (which I do), and how much I want to see you (a lot), how thankful I am for that completely random and unexpected gift (a lot), and how I’m happy for you and your new girlfriend and your new business (I am, sincerely).
I’m sure you don’t want to hear how about how angry and hurt I am. How I practically broke when you said there was nothing here for you to come back to. And I don’t want to tell you that, because I’m afraid that it will make you feel awful and guilty and drive you away again.

No matter what you do, I always seem to blame myself.
No matter what I get myself into, I always manage to blame you.
It’s a vicious cycle isn’t it?
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: amos lee - sweet pea
15 August 2008 @ 02:09 pm
Songs have taken on a new meaning.
In my melodramatic head everything relates back to one accident.
Followed by another.
Then another.
And then the final mistake of thinking it counted for something.
I can’t look at you in case you see my errors.
My secrets changed in the space of seven days,
and now I don’t know how to feel or what to do.
I over think all actions until they lose their meaning entirely.
I wish that were completely true.
It sneaks up on me often.
A ribbon round my stomach pulling tighter and tighter.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: lykke li - hanging high
03 August 2008 @ 02:53 pm
So I think this is the best summer I’ve had in a while.
I worry about saying that in case I jinx it or something.

I’ve barely heard from anyone from uni (bar Kayley, who I annoy all the time via text, and she loves it), but it’s not really bothering me just yet.
Ok, that’s a slight lie. It is, but not as much as I thought it would. I think I’m just sort of realising that I don’t need people in my life who make me feel as wretched as I have been feeling for the past few months.
Someone told me once that they’ll come to me before I ever need them, and it’s proven strangely accurate.
I’ve mostly just been catching up with folk who I haven’t seen in forever. It’s great. I’m sort of beginning to remember why I was such good friends with all these people in the first place.
There was also a…well, lets say, an interesting night out at my work this week as well. It was hilarious and wrong and surprising and embarrassing all at the same time, and I loved it. There’s lots of new folk starting, who all seem pretty cool, so hopefully there’ll prove to be new people I can annoy.
As fun as it was however, I’m not much looking forward to my shift tonight. There is now new evidence going into the “reasons Nicole shouldn’t drink” file, including some…erm, “questionable” shenanigans, shall we say, involving a guy a work with, a bus stop, a pub m dad may or may not co-own and about six other people I work with bearing witness. I sort of want to curl up and die. Hopefully no one will remember. Maybe I can pretend I can’t *crosses stuff*
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: lykke li - dance, dance, dance
20 June 2008 @ 01:43 pm
Its been a while hasn’t it?
Actually, it’s been a couple of months at least I think.
I don’t know what’s going on, to be entirely honest.

I’m going to attempt to briefly sum up the past couple of months in something that someone may actually be willing to tackle reading:

- I had my grad ball on the 19th of June. It was awful then good and eventually just sort of sunk in towards the average. There was a massive debacle over seating arrangements, where Alison and I were basically told we weren’t sitting with Amy and Claire. Nice. I got a pity offer for a seat at her new table from Alison, which just enraged me. I ended up putting my name down to sit with Kayley, which was all good, until we got there on the night, and we’d been split up. I ended up at some random table, on my own, wit many people I didn’t know, and a couple that I don’t get along with. Lovely start. Dinner was a disaster, and completely over-priced. Eventually I was able to leave, and everyone just sort of pretended the table drama hadn’t happened and carried on as normal. Everything was good until Claire had to leave early (her gran died, her funeral was the next day), and then Amy just went all strange and quiet and didn’t really talk to us. Not much exciting happened after that, thankfully.

- I got my results on the 23rd. I got a 2.1, which I’m very pleased with. Although I know within myself that I could have gotten a 1st if I’d just worked a bit harder on my dissertation. The grades were all there, it’s just that I’m lazy. Kayley, Alison and Amy also got 2.1s, Claire got a 1st. Me and Alison went out to celebrate with a few of her friends, Amy and Claire were going to come but decided not to (surprise surprise).

- There was stupid Degree Show drama. I wasn’t there (I came back to the Burgh for an amazing reunion night out with Kerry, Kirsty and Natasha), but apparently Alison had gone out on the night of the show opening, came back and was faced with Claire, Amy and her parents, asking why she hadn’t been at the show. Even though, in the weeks and weeks leading up to the thing, they had never mentioned it to us once, never invited us or said that we could go or anything of the sort. Are we supposed to be psychic or something? Every time I mentioned going to the degree show, I was met with a “well, everything’s there just now, you could probably just go take a look”. Never an invite. I stick to my theory that if they had wanted us there, they would have asked us. Simple. As. That.

- As far as I recall, July was fairly uneventful, aside from my graduation, Which was just completely overrated. To be entirely honest, I didn’t even want to go. I would have gladly given it a miss and stayed at home. It would have been much less hassle, and much cheaper (stupid people insisting that I buy new clothes for every damn occasion – I have no money, why can’t folk realise this!?).

- I moved back in with my mum. Not ideal, I know, but its all I can afford right now. Kerry asked me if I wanted to move in with her for a few months before she goes to live with Robin permanently, but I just can’t afford it, which is sort of disappointing. Hopefully now the plan is just to find a job, get some money behind me and see what happens I guess.

I think those are the only really sort of major things that have happened.

I spent most of the last few weeks down in Gala with Natasha, who I bumped into one day on the street near the flat and remember how well we got on back in school. It’s awesome. I never realised how much I missed being such good friends with her (that is the cheesiest thing I’ve written in ages I know). She calls me like, every day now, its hilarious.
Actually, I’ve been seeing lots of people that I haven’t seen in a while.
There was that night out with Kerry, Kirsty and Natasha (the other one), which was just epic. Two for on in Henry J’s can never go wrong. I went up to Dundee to visit Vanessa a while back, for her dregree show. It was so good seeing her again. And her work is wonderful. She gave a me abeautiful print as well, although I'm not entirely sure where to hang a photo of a naked woman wrapped in chicken wire.
And I went out with Liam and Chris waaaaaaaaay back before my grad ball, and it was great. We had a very frank (and rather drunken) conversation about everything that was happening in my flat, and it sort of made me realise that I really don’t need all this stupid drama. 

It sounds ridiculous, but Chris said something about how I was worth more than all of this nonsense, and I think that’s when it kind of hit me that I really am. I forgot what it’s like to be around people who actually want to be around me, who I don’t have to feel like I’m intruding on or annoying.

I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else.

So I’ve kind of taken charge of stuff since then. I’m trying so hard not to let it even enter my mind. I’ve been putting all this rubbish behind me and it feels wonderful. Here’s hoping it lasts x 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: alkaline trio - blue in the face
I’m compiling a survival strategy for the rest of my life.

A one bedroom flat and a job where no one knows me. A book to share meals with. Music as my irreplaceable and unshiftable best friend. Internet to keep me distracted. The courage to go to the cinema alone. The courage to go anywhere alone.

The only thing that I think I’m going to struggle with is pretending I’m alright with all of this.
Current Mood: blanklost
Current Music: mgmt - kids
23 May 2008 @ 01:58 am
What is so wrong with me that I seem to drive away the people I want around the most?
Current Mood: blankblank
I've spent my entire life waiting for you and being let down.
I'm so tired of all of this.
As of right now, I'm give up.

Today was your last chance and you blew it.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: radiohead - fitter happier
So I handed in my godforsaken dissertation on Friday.
I swear that thing was cursed.
Between my interviews and unreliable people and my seizure-having laptop and not-right magazine survey and my pillock of a tutor Rob and my inability to actually do the work and having nine hours sleep over the whole of the last week and a half and the print shop fucking up on Friday morning it was so, so, so much more awkward than it should’ve been. But it’s done.
Now I plan on sleeping for a couple of weeks, then I have my stupid presentation (which I am so not looking forward to), then more sitting around and not doing anything constructive.

I could probably go home I guess, I just don’t really want to. Is that bad? I just feel like every time I go back there I get sucked into the role of the kid again, and I really don’t want that. I’ve grown used to having my own space and deciding what I do with and in it, and not having to deal with all of my mum’s “don’t do this, remember to do that, please unplug such and such…” nonsense.
There was some talk of the four of us all moving up to Edinburgh together once we graduate (after the summer of course), but it hasn’t been mentioned in a while now. It would be nice though. I don’t have a reliable job and can in no way afford it really, none of us can, but it’s what I’d like to happen. Hopefully by then everything would be sorted. Hopefully.
I’m actually sort of dreading moving out, it’s going to be so strange. I’ve lived with Amy and Claire for four years now, it’s going to be more than weird to be honest. It’ll be horrible having to go back home.
Us all moving to Edinburgh is a plan I like. A plan I can deal with. Though the sheer grown-up-ness of it all is a little scary.
If it doesn’t happen I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I guess I’d just have to move back home. There’s no way I could afford somewhere on my own, plus I don’t think I’m ready to be entirely on my own. And I don’t know who else would want to live with me.
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: stiff little fingers - bits of kids
18 April 2008 @ 09:33 pm
So I had a sort of breakdown the other night.
It’s probably not what I should be doing right now, but I’m not entirely sure what happened.
I was downstairs with Alison, and she said something about Claire and Amy being awful “together” at the moment, and I just sort of…went for it. Just started rambling about how it’s been that way for months now, about what’s been going on and how I’ve felt like I’ve done something and how I just live with the impression that nobody wants me here, that I’m just in the way. About the awkwardness and the silence and the loneliness and the ridiculous paranoia that I’ve developed. About the stupid text from Amy and how I moved half my stuff out at Christmas and didn’t tell anyone (no one noticed anyway, it wasn’t a big deal). About how I wanted to say something but didn’t know how, didn’t want to make everything a million times worse that it already is.
She was surprisingly good about the whole thing. Actually, she was really lovely. I don’t think it was quite what she expected to happen at the start of the conversation. I felt quite bad to be honest, I feel like I’ve sort of completely underestimated her in a lot of ways. I mean, she still drives me nuts a lot of the time but….I dunno, it’s just not that bad I guess.
It sort of turned into a random heart to heart/bonding session. I found out all this stuff about how she’s been on anti-depressants since she broke up with Sean and stuff (which made me feel even more horrible, considering how much we complain about how she’s all crazy when it comes to him. I really suck sometimes don’t I?).
And I had a complete rant about my nervousness and anxiety and all that. About the sickness and the racing heart and shakes and sweats and dry mouth at the slightest little thing. About how I freak out over minor stuff, and dwell on things for years after they happen, thinking about how I could’ve done something different (that’s not even an exaggeration). Reliving conversations in my head, planning out what I would have said differently. Heck, about planning out conversations in my head so I don’t mess things up. About how I cry before (sometimes during) interviews, presentations, tutorials, doctors appointments, lunches, nights out….not because I want to, I just get so nervous and it appears to be my body’s gut-reaction nowadays. About the psyching myself out of doing things…things I really want to do, things I should do. Of me letting people I care about down because I feel like I can’t do things or go to certain places or deal with certain people.
For the record, she thinks I should speak to my doctor about some sort of anxiety medication (if there is such a thing) or something. I don’t even know how to begin going about all that, and I don’t really have time to think about it right now. I probably should though, it’s getting sort of ridiculous now.
But…yeah. It was a strange night.
Hopefully some good will come of it though.
Current Mood: awakeawake